The Turkey Incident
by SirPrickles
Summary: Mistoffelees, annoyed for the last time, causes a large turkey to fall in love with the Rum Tum Tugger. Long oneshot. Rated "T" for turkey-related affection...


Mistoffelees jerked awake. Utter silence met his alert black ears. He sat up, blinking furiously.

"Victoria?" he said.

But the white queen was nowhere to be seen. Mistoffelees checked behind him, and sighed with relief.

The soft white shape was lying on its side, facing away from him. Her fur glowed in the sunshine of the morning. Her furry tail was draped over his leg.

Misto relaxed. He looked lovingly at his sleeping mate. She must be tired. Usually she was up at the crack of dawn.

He snuggled up against her and put his arm around her waist. He closed his eyes.

A moment later, his eyes opened. He blinked a few times.

Victoria felt…too squishy. As if she had gained quite a few pounds, or lost all her bones.

Misto sat up. Gently, he rolled her over.

The blank face of a stuffed animal stared back at him.

Misto yelped and flung himself back, heart racing furiously. He gaped.

It wasn't Victoria. It was a Victoria-sized, fluffy white children's stuffed tiger.

He crawled back over to the white shape, his mouth fixing itself into a tight scowl. He grabbed a squishy paw and lifted it, then dropped it in disgust.

His eyes narrowed. Now, who would go to all the trouble of sneaking a cuddly white Victoria-lookalike into his bed?

Only one tomcat would dare tangle with the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.

The Rum Tum Tugger.

"This is it!" Misto hissed, standing up. "This is the last time—"overcome with anger, he didn't finish the thought. But a plan was quickly forming in his mind. A plan to get revenge on his brother. And, if possible, discourage him from doing this ever again.

Misto strode purposefully out of his den. He smiled a rather wicked smile and hurried out of the Jellicle junkyard.

* * *

"Has anyone seen Misto?"

Jemima shook her tiny head. "No. Why, have you lost him?"

Victoria said mildly: "I let him sleep in this morning. But he's usually up and about by now! And he always comes by to say 'Good morning'…"

Jemima patted the white queen's shoulder. "He'll turn up."

"I thought I heard him scream earlier," Victoria continued, starting to sound anxious. "I didn't go check because—well—I respect his dignity. But now, I'm thinking…" She trailed off, and scanned the junkyard yet again.

Coricopat and Tantomile were meditating on the TSE car, Cassandra was chatting quietly with Exotica, Jellyorum and Jennyanydots were knitting. All the tom-kits were gathered in a group, laughing and looking over at Etcetera, who was trying to stretch her hind leg to scratch her ear.

Victoria's nose wrinkled. Sometimes her little sister was a bit of a show-off. She was certainly enjoying the toms' attention.

Especially one particular tom. The Rum Tum Tugger was lounging on some old bedsprings as usual, high above everyone else. He was watching with a smirk on his handsome face.

Etcetera pretended not to notice, but her smile was so shamelessly wide that no one was fooled.

Victoria looked away. "I still don't see him."

Jemima said again, "He's fine, Vicky. Misto can handle himself."

Victoria clapped her paws. "Maybe Tugger knows where he is!"

Furrowing her brow, Jemima asked, "Why would he know?"

Victoria moved her lips uselessly a few times before saying, "Oh—well—he just might?"

It sounded like a flimsy excuse. But Jemima was buying it. "Oh! Good idea! Let's go."

They raced up to the bedsprings, bouncing over Cassandra and squeezing between Jelly and Jenny. "'Scuse us!" Jemima called.

Breathless, Victoria perched on Tugger's right side. "Tugger! Have you seen Misto?" Jemima nodded in agreement.

He, who had been watching their ascent with amusement, said: "Your sweet, adorable _mate_?" Sly stress on the last word.

Victoria blushed. "Yes—yes. Have you seen him?"

"Nope. But I did hear him, earlier." His smirk was a good deal wickeder. Jemima was certain that whatever had caused Mistoffelees to cry out had been of his making.

Below, Etcetera watched them with a sour expression. She turned to Electra and started gossiping.

Jemima asked sweetly, "Won't you help us look for him?" Sometimes, coming from her, sweetness worked on Tugger. She was everyone's favorite kitten.

Not today. He curled his lip. "Naw."

Victoria asked, "Will you tell us what you did to him?" She, too, had noticed the devilish smirk.

He smiled but didn't speak. He waved a paw. "Shoo, Girls. I'd like to be alone with a rather funny memory involving Mistoffelees and a stuffed tiger. Although I must say, I didn't think it was a _frightening _tiger…" he chuckled.

Victoria looked abashed. "Alright. Never mind." She turned away and hopped back down. Jemima looked once more at Tugger before following.

She caught up with Victoria near the edge of the main clearing. "Vicky," she tried not to giggle, "it's okay."

Victoria sighed in frustration. "Why can't I stop—when it comes to Tugger? I'm such a bad mate." She buried her face in her paws.

"It's like a drug," Jemima said wisely. "You'll come off gradually." She caught Pouncival's eye. He grinned mischievously and winked.

"I just lose my head a bit," Victoria confessed. "Especially if Misto's not here."

"Where am I not?" Mistoffelees stepped out from behind a broken wine rack.

Victoria breathed in relief, all thoughts of Tugger and his drug-like tendencies forgotten. "Where have you been?"

Misto planted a loud kiss on her. Jemima tactfully looked at the sky.

"On an errand," he said, sounding very pleased with himself. He grabbed her paw. "C'mon. The fun is about to begin." He pulled Victoria off to the side of the main junkyard and crouched. Jemima followed. "What are we—"

But she lost her train of thought.

A huge, feathery creature was picking its way through the Jellicle junkyard. Jemima eeped.

It was a turkey. It had brilliant brown-and-red tail feathers, a big black body, and scaly toes.

The head was rather disgusting—a mean little beak covered by a fleshy pink waddle and staring eyes on the sides of its narrow head.

It stepped carefully, upturning chosen pieces of junk with its beak and picking at the ground. Once or twice it scratched the ground with impressive talons, raking up rich brown dirt.

It meandered towards the main junkyard, where most every Jellicle cat had stopped what they were doing to stare.

Alonzo leapt from the washing machine, ears forward, and claws at the ready. He moved towards the turkey.

It watched him coming. Its eyes were level with his.

Alonzo stopped carefully a few feet away. He inspected it. Several long seconds passed.

Tugger yelled from his perch, "It's a turkey, Lonz!"

All the kittens giggled, and even Cassandra couldn't suppress a smile.

Alonzo shook his head irritably. "I know that!"

Tugger, interest piqued by the bird, hopped down. He strode over and stood by Alonzo. Thumbs in his studded belt, he eyed the turkey.

Its ugly head swiveled. It fixed a beady orange eye on him.

Suddenly, it whole demeanor changed. It went rigid, stretched out its neck, fanned its tail, and flapped its wings several times in quick succession.

Then the turkey made a beeline for Tugger.

He flinched, but it didn't attack. Instead a soft crooning came out of its mouth and it fluffed up appealingly and attempted to rub its head on Tugger's chest.

"What the?" he said in bewilderment.

It crooned again and gazed at him lovingly.

Tugger's mouth fell open. Alonzo stared. Tugger stepped back. The turkey moved forward quickly. He stepped back again, experimentally. It closed the distance, settling itself about a foot away from his maned chest. A pregnant moment passed.

Alonzo recovered from his surprise. "Great Everlasting Cat, does that turkey have the hots for you?" He looked around at everyone else, still watching in silent shock. He laughed loudly. "This turkey is in love with the _irresistible_ Rum Tum Tugger!"

Tugger scowled. The turkey clucked happily.

Munkustrap, who had been watching from atop the washing machine, sprang down. He joined Alonzo.

"Well, Tugs," he said conversationally, "aren't you going to introduce me?"

Alonzo doubled over with laughter. Chuckles started to seep out of the watching crowd. Tugger glared. "Shut up, you—"

Almost as soon as the angry words were out, the huge bird flew into action.

It rushed at Alonzo and delivered a massive peck to the top of his head. Alonzo fell over, astonished, as the turkey proceeded to flap its wings angrily and press the attack, delivering scores of rapid-fire pecks and scratches.

Munkustrap hesitated, torn between the need for action and uncertainty as to how to handle a giant angry turkey. Tugger watched in shock.

"Hey!" he said weakly. The turkey immediately ceased to attack and trotted back to Tugger's side, fluffing its feathers airily, as though such an action was normal and to be expected.

Alonzo got up. He was sporting scratches and bite marks and bleeding heavily from the head. They all looked at the turkey.

"Now that's a fan-kitten," Plato muttered.

Tugger reached out and patted the turkey on the head. It crooned lovingly and snuggled his paw. He glanced at Lonz. The smirk was back.

"I think I can get used to this."

* * *

"Misto," Munkustrap said sternly, "why is there a large bird hanging on our brother's every move?" Straight ahead he could see the turkey trotting after the Rum Tum Tugger's long strides, and shooting dirty looks at all the queens in the area. Tugger seemed rather amused by the situation.

Misto said innocently, "Why do you think it was me?"

"I don't think. I know."

Misto said, dryly, "It's not me. It's him. His charms are just too good. They work on everything; even large fowl."

Munk stared blankly at Misto. "What did he do? Throw a chicken at you? Make crowing noises?"

Misto shrugged. "He did once try to feed me to a flock of hungry pigeons, but that's neither here nor there."

Munk watched as the turkey glared warningly at Electra, who attempted to nuzzle Tugger. Farther away Alonzo sat with Cassandra, wincing while she tried to bandage his head.

"So. How is this supposed to be payback? That ladybird's devoted to him."

The turkey fluffed threateningly. Tugger shook his head at Electra, who slunk away. Tugger leapt on the hood of the TSE car and stretched out, preparing for a nap. The turkey perched beside him and glared balefully at everyone else.

"You'll see," said Misto, dropping all pretense. "Let's just say this particular turkey has claimed Tugger as its mate."

Munk's lips twitched.

"And all that that implies."

* * *

The Rum Tum Tugger awoke from his nap.

His feathered admirer hovered an inch from his nose. Apparently it had slunk closer while he was sleeping.

With one finger he pushed the bird's ample chest, and it meekly backed away. Tugger smirked. Total control.

He jumped up, eager to stretch out. He decided to go scrape for food at the east end of the junkyard, where humans regularly tossed trash. He set off.

Of course, the turkey followed.

Two hours later, it hadn't stopped.

If Tugger was going to be honest, it was starting to wear on him. This bird was clearly more devoted than even Etcetera.

It would not leave him alone. Not for a minute. Not for a second.

He moved more quickly, trying to lose it. No luck: the turkey clearly had very good tracking senses.

While sliding through the rails in an old grate in an effort to lose it, he bumped into Munkustrap.

"Tugger," Munk said courteously. He moved aside to let his brother through.

"Drop it," Tugger muttered. He backed into a corner. "Is it-?"

Munk checked outside the grate. "Yep. Waiting patiently."

"Bast," Tugger muttered. He drooped to the ground. "I could do with a little less admiration."

Munk raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "You?"

"Shut up. This is not funny."

"Oh, but it is," Misto said, squeezing into the enclosed space. He smiled kindly. "Could I give a word of advice?"

Tugger's tail twitched. "Go on, little kitty."

"Well, this turkey here has claimed you as its mate. If I were you—"

"Bomba!" Tugger's eye twitched. "Where's Bomba? I'll show the thing that I'm already taken."

Misto replied, "I wouldn't recommend that. Turkeys are highly territorial. It's quite jealous. You saw what happened to Alonzo."

Munk said, "She and Demeter are at their owners." He paused. "Demeter's going to be sorry to have missed this."

"Again: shut up." Tugger fluffed his mane and ran both paws through his headfur.

A beguiling crooning came from outside the grate. The turkey's lovesick voice filtered through the junkyard.

"You heartbreaker," Munk said.

Tugger said coolly: "Don't make me set the turkey on you." He picked himself back up and snuck out the side of the grate.

Munkustrap and Mistoffelees listened. The turkey stopped crooning, and shuffled off. They both emerged from the grate. Sure enough, the bird had found Tugger. He was sitting on an old tire, with an air of tired acceptance.

It looked as though, for the time being, Tugger accepted that he was the turkey's mate. Though not nearly as attractive as Bombalurina, the turkey had some good qualities. She was certainly devoted to him, and loyal. Helpful, too. Brave enough to beat up a full-grown tomcat—no easy feat.

"Hold on—what is it doing?" Munk blinked rapidly.

Misto said very slowly, "It looks like a mating dance…"

The turkey was prancing around Tugger, flapping its wings and fanning its tail. Its waddle had turned a bright red. Aggressive clucks were issuing from its throat.

"Wait." Munk shook his head. "Wait a minute. Does that mean it's—"his voice rose in disbelief—"a male turkey?"

Mistoffelees groaned. Come to think of it…Well. He'd never bothered to learn how to tell boy and girl turkeys apart…He'd thought this was a female, but apparently…

Suddenly the turkey launched itself into the air and landed squarely on Tugger's back. It flapped its wings wildly.

"Bast!" Tugger yelled, squirming underneath the huge claws. He managed to shove it off.

It tried to jump back on.

"No!" Tugger said, warningly. "No. Bad girl."

"That's not a girl," Misto whispered, looking rather sick to his stomach.

Munkustrap felt his jaw drop away from the rest of his face. Alonzo appeared at his side. His eyes were as wide as quarters. "Is it just me, or is that turkey trying to…to…"

The turkey stalked towards Tugger, practically growling. He backed up. "What is wrong with this thing? Misto! What did you do to it?"

"It's not me; it's you," Misto yelled back, frustrated.

"What?"

"Victoria!" Misto yelled, as if it explained the whole thing. "I'm tired of your pranks!"

"My pranks?" Victoria whispered quizzically. Jemima whispered an explanation in her ear.

Alonzo shrieked dramatically, "It's mating!"

The turkey was back on top.

"Oh. Hell. No." Tugger sprinted away, heading for the grate.

The turkey raced after him. By flapping its wings, it gained more speed and managed to grab his tail.

"Should we help him?" Misto asked. Now that he'd expressed his displeasure, he felt rather worried about his brother's fate.

Alonzo snickered. "No way. I know what that feels like. No thank you."

Munkustrap was torn. On one paw, Tugger in discomfort was always funny. On the other paw, it was an amorous turkey trying to mate with his brother. He sighed.

"Lonz..."

"No!" Alonzo said, snickering shamelessly. "He's the biggest tom in the junkyard. He can handle a love-sick turkey. It's his specialty."

"Bomba will never forgive me if I let a turkey disfigure him," Munk said, still uncertain.

Alonzo said, "Do you honestly think you could take this thing? It's huge. It's taller than either of us. And those talons are no joke. I say we let this play out."

The amorous turkey cornered Tugger by the TSE car. He leapt up to the bedsprings. It followed. He cursed and sprinted back down, heading towards the chain link fence that separated the junkyard from the street outside.

He hit the fence and pulled himself over in record time. The turkey danced around for a moment, but quickly found a hole big enough to squeeze through. It forced its body through and continued to advance.

Tugger ran from the junkyard, the turkey in hot pursuit.

Alonzo laughed so hard he cried, and even Munk couldn't stop from chuckling.

Mistoffelees screamed out desperately, "For Heavyside's sake, Tugger, you are a _cat_!"

Once the turkey was out of their midst, all the Jellicle cats found the whole situation a lot funnier. Even Etcetera and Electra repeated the story with aplomb. Only sweet Jemima worried about Tugger's safety.

After all, it was a huge male turkey. Who was perfectly capable of trouncing Alonzo. And who was determined to mate with the Rum Tum Tugger.

Several hours later, Munkustrap had half a mind to go out looking for his brother. But the other half of his mind was distracted as he smelled a familiar, sweet smell.

Demeter, closely followed by Bombalurina, crawled back into the junkyard.

Munkustrap came over to greet his mate with a kiss. Demeter smiled blissfully.

"How was your time at the owner's?"

"Lots of rest," Demeter said. She looked at Bombalurina for confirmation, but the brilliant red queen was checking out the junkyard.

Nonchalantly, "Where's Tugger?" Normally he somewhere in sight. The mane made him easy to spot.

Munk didn't trust himself to speak. First, the story was ridiculous. Second, it was ridiculously hilarious. He started to chuckle.

Bomba looked at him with suspicion in her big brown eyes. "Where is he? What's so funny? Is he all right?"

"Well." Munk took a deep breath and adopted a solemn manner. "I'm sorry to say he's found a new mate."

Her eyebrow rose pointedly.

"And it's a turkey."

"What, Munk?" Bomba was clearly confused.

"Misto thought it would be—beneficial—to convince a large turkey to fall in love with the Rum Tum Tugger. For his own good, of course."

"Oh! That's different. How did that end up?"

"Well," Munk said carefully, "being, incidentally, a male turkey, it tried to—consummate—and the last we all saw of them they were heading south on the city streets at a spectacular pace."

"Why didn't you stop it?" Bomba asked, sweetly.

Alonzo stepped in. The queens took in his battered appearance. "That turkey was a demon. He'll be lucky to escape with his life."

Both Demeter and Bombalurina let out gasps of horror.

"No," Demeter whispered. "I wasn't here for it."

Bomba looked at her sister angrily. "Dem! He could be hurt!"

"Or worse," Alonzo said darkly. He winked.

But that was not the case.

"Tugger!" Etcetera squealed happily. As whole and healthy as ever, he climbed over the fence and strode into the main clearing. She and Electra raced over to meet him, nuzzling his legs. He gave each a pat on the head, and gave a nod to Bomba.

"Bomba? Did you hear about my exciting day?"

She hastily stepped over to him. "Are you all right?" she asked, giggling now that she saw he was unharmed. But she stopped dead once she was close enough.

She touched his face in terrified fascination. "What is—is this blood?"

"Yep." Tugger grinned.

"Where's the turkey?" Alonzo broke in. "Your paramour? Large, ugly on its face, sings mournful love songs, you know."

Tugger yawned, sticking out his tongue. It too was covered in blood. Bomba plucked a feather from his mane and looked wonderingly at him.

He used a claw to pick his teeth.

"I ate it."

**A/N: Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, then Happy Turkey Day!**

**Sorry this took so long. It went through a lot of edits. **

**Hope you enjoy! Drop me a review if you want to show appreciation :)**

**Thanks, and have a great day!  
**


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